Damn Beautiful

How many times do you look in the mirror and think, “I look amazing!” whether you are clothed or unclothed? I’ll start with clothed, when have you thought “I feel amazing in this outfit.”

Hello Beautiful People, 

I missed you last week but I hope the missed week left you time with your thoughts of self-exploration and opportunities for discovery. I was preparing for my week trip to Iowa to spend with my family. 

As you have been present with me on my life journey, you know that my parents are getting older and the conversation of how to care for them has been at hand. I have the wonderful opportunity to travel home more often than many in my age group of professionals. After I have more time to process, I will share my thoughts on home, caregiving, and decision-making. This week it is the celebration of the 4th of July, which I know many do not celebrate for reasons of current racism in our country or how some experience PTSD, and this holiday exacerbates it with loud sounds. With the awareness that to some this is the biggest holiday while others do not recognize it, I wanted to share with you a sense of ease that I encountered. I was half getting rid of clothes and picking out my travel outfit last week to prepare for home. When I came upon a dress I bought in 2012 as a backup dress to my wedding dress. This experience gave me a great sense of freedom from my past thoughts of self. 

How many times do you look in the mirror and think, “I look amazing!” whether you are clothed or unclothed? I’ll start with clothed, when have you thought “I feel amazing in this outfit.” or “I love how I can be me in this outfit, this outfit shows a glimpse of who I am and want to be.”

Or maybe just a surprised feeling of not knowing the person who is looking back at you in the mirror because you want to be negative but are so surprised at first glance. This last one, may be for many reasons, depending on what you have gone through in life and so can have many different reasons. 

The night before I left on my road trip, I tried on a dress that I had not put on in about 7 years. I know the rule is if you don’t wear it in a year, you should give it away. But there was something to this dress that I just loved and never have been able to let it go. Even on my move to Ithaca from Jersey City, it made the cut. 

The forecast for the 1800-hour drive was hot and humid. I am aware that I am a single female driving across the country and would be stopping at a hotel for the night. So I do think of dress in this regard as well. I wanted something not super tight, but flowy and comfortable that would allow my body to be in its natural shape, not poured in. I also wanted to have my thighs covered because I have black seats that tend to get hot and it hurts when exposed. With all this tornadoing in my mind, I started to look at long summer dresses. And on the third grab, found my backup wedding dress after seven years, “What the hell” I thought. “If it doesn’t work, I will for sure this year will bring it to the second-hand shop.”

Remember, in 2012 I was 127 pounds. I am now weighing in at 150 pounds. I went from a small underwear size to a medium, size 3-4 to size 6-8. When I first got married, I had to pull in my size 4 wedding dress and had the breasts padded to help me look like I even had boobs. When I bought this dress, It was big, to my self-eye I looked like I was wearing a potato sack. To others, it was elegant and simple. Some said it allowed my face to be seen (as this is what you want on a traditional wedding day.)

“What the hell, I will try it on. It is exactly what I am looking for to drive across the country.” 

I put it on…LOVE IT!

The photo was taken in a bathroom (did you guess, LOL) on my road trip. I was feeling confident and wanted to grasp the moment.

I loved myself in it. I looked in the mirror and felt unrecognizable both in emotion and body. It was a moment of self-celebration that I had grown into my space. The new weight has allowed the woman in me to be in the physical body. I have filled out the dress and made it hang how it was supposed to, a little snug in the chest and filled out through the hips. As I was pondering this, I was also amazed at how little time I looked in the mirror and felt this way. I often look in the mirror with what I think others want or are looking for but rarely what I want. I was surprised by this reaction of self-celebration and a feeling of beauty. 

I share a photo with you all. You may or may not agree with my observations. But I also have to make clear to you on this occasion that your opinions, do not matter. I share this story because it is a corner of maturity that I got to turn and it feels damn good. This is what I want to share, a photo of a woman feeling damn good and invite the awareness that it is okay to feel damn good and share.

If you have a photo or a story of a moment where you felt this and celebrated in that feeling, please share! I would love to hear about it, as I know others would too. We spend too much of our time in negative thoughts or in judgment. It is okay to feel great and celebrate that with one another. 

God Bless You, 

Suzanne Scholten