Moving My Dad

I'm still processing and trying to be receptive to my purpose in caring for my dad, showing love to my parents, and being present for my whole family. As parents age, we have many ways to show up.

Dear Loving Humans, 

I am sorry that I have missed you these past couple of weeks. You have come into my mind often even though I did not finish a piece to share. 

Are you like this, when there is something heavy on your heart and you are still processing it is difficult to share with others? I mean, I can share about difficult things in talking but when it is the written word, I get lost in this ocean of what to share and what not to share. However, when looking at a person's face and seeing their expression or if they hold their breath, tear up or have their eyes glaze over I know what direction to take the story. I don't feel I am being false but feel I can see what they can handle as a friend and what I feel comfortable sharing in our friendship. 

When I write to you, I do not know how you are feeling and so I feel very vulnerable when sharing. It is difficult to be vulnerable. I had gone to Iowa at the end of June to spend time with my family. I drove as driving gives me time to process and be present, the transition period I often need both going home and coming back to where I live. Much of the conversation that I was having with the family was about how do we transition dad to the nursing home. My dad and I would go on walks around their complex, I would walk and he in his electric wheelchair. I would ask, "Dad what are your thoughts about moving to the nursing home?" He would say he's not going and then wave me off to say our walk and talk is done.  I would come back later and say, "I see that mom is having a difficult time lifting you, how do your legs feel." And so these conversations would go throughout the day. 

I would spend time with my mom who is Dad's main caregiver hearing how she does not have the strength or stamina it takes to care of someone 24 hours a day. 

How do I listen to both parties? The advice I received from a few people was to validate feelings and let each person know they are being heard. I heard Dad and no one wants to leave home. No one wants to have to transition at the age of 81 and leave their comforts. My dad was a driver's education teacher and his electric wheelchair is his new ride and freedom. He also loves being around people and making people smile. In the nursing home, they do not let people have motorized wheelchairs and he will need to figure out how to pedal everywhere. 

With Mom, she too needed to be validated and to be seen that this choice was not just hers to make. My brother and I wanted to show her that we knew dad needed to be in a nursing home before she got hurt, died or he got hurt. I also wanted to show that its a tough to let go of an identity, being a care giver for five years, 24 hours a day is not small feat. My mom was a physical therapist and burn-unit master of skin graphs. She is a problem solver and her freedom has been to the creativity to fix dads skin soars (should he go to fast and bang an elbow) and create special parts to his wheelchairs, etc..

I was the support but I also had to show up as the daughter who loves her parents. I realized that I also had to role model how to show that I was sad instead of being mad, pick a fight or ignore and go for a walk. I am sad to see my dad in so much pain. I am sad to see my mom be exhausted and barely putting one foot in front of the other on days she is tired and doesn't want to be a caregiver but wants to take a nap. I am sad that my calling is not to take care of my dad and I am putting him in a nursing home. I am also grieving death before it happens. Or maybe the death of the man that was. My dad still has his mind but it is not the same as when I was young. Conversations are difficult, strained and often long silences. 

I always have a good time with my parents. It is nice to know that even in their 80s we keep growing in our relationship. I am very thankful for this way of being able to see my parents grow, myself grow, and how our relationship keeps getting stronger, even during this difficult move. As I write this, even with tears and strong feelings, I don’t regret how I have been with my parents. I feel I have shared who I am with my parents as an adult. I feel they have seen me, the person they created and the teenager they let go so I could soar to create parts of me they could not. I also have had the opportunity to see them, and the difficulties they endured as people, parents, and marriage that has lasted 58 years. I have heard what they rejoice in and the things they are most proud of in this life. I am very thankful.

God Bless You, 

Suzanne Scholten